Are you looking for couples therapy in Utrecht in English?
I offer couples therapy in English for international and expat couples, as well as for couples in which English is the language you use together. In my practice in Utrecht, I work with couples who want to better understand what is happening in their relationship and find a different way of relating to each other.
I am an NVRG-registered systemic therapist and supervisor and I am trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). In my work with couples, important themes include attachment, communication, emotional connection and finding a balance between connection and autonomy.
When couples get stuck
Most couples don't suddenly develop relationship problems. More often, patterns gradually emerge in the way partners respond to each other.
Perhaps you keep having the same argument without resolving it. One of you may seek more contact when something feels wrong, while the other needs distance. The more one partner tries to connect, the more the other withdraws – which in turn makes the first partner try even harder.
After a while, the pattern itself can become the problem.
Couples therapy can help you slow this process down and look at what actually happens between you.
What triggers your reactions? What are you trying to protect? What do you need from your partner, and how do you communicate that need?
EFT couples therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is an important part of my work with couples.
EFT looks beyond the content of an argument to the emotional process underneath it. Recurring conflicts are often connected to more vulnerable questions:
Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Can I depend on you? Can I be myself and still remain connected to you?
When these underlying feelings are difficult to express, they can appear as anger, criticism, withdrawal or defensiveness.
By recognising the pattern and understanding what happens underneath it, partners can begin to respond to each other differently.
Connection and autonomy
Being in a relationship means being connected to another person without losing yourself.
For me, the balance between connection and autonomy is therefore an important theme in relationship therapy.
Sometimes partners become so focused on maintaining the relationship that there is too little room for their individual needs. In other relationships, protecting independence can make emotional connection increasingly difficult.
Therapy can be a place to explore what you need from each other, but also what each of you needs to take responsibility for individually.
You cannot change your partner. You can look at your own position, your own boundaries and your own contribution to the patterns between you.
When one partner starts responding differently, the interaction between both partners can begin to change.
Communication problems and recurring conflicts
Couples often come to therapy because communication has become difficult.
You may talk a lot but feel that you are no longer really hearing each other. Small disagreements may quickly turn into larger conflicts, or perhaps difficult subjects are avoided because previous conversations have gone badly.
Rather than simply learning a better way to argue, I find it important to understand why your conversations keep taking the same course.
What happens to each of you when tension rises? Do you attack, defend, explain, withdraw or become silent? And what effect does your reaction have on your partner?
Recognising this interaction can create room for a different conversation.
Attachment and earlier experiences
What happens in a relationship is not always only about the present.
We all bring experiences from earlier relationships and from the families in which we grew up. These experiences can influence how safe closeness feels, how we deal with conflict and how we respond when we fear losing connection.
This is one reason why attachment is an important part of my work.
Understanding where a reaction comes from does not mean that the past determines the future. It can, however, make behaviour that previously seemed irrational or frustrating more understandable – both to yourself and to your partner.
When trust has been damaged
An affair, infidelity or another breach of trust can have a profound impact on a relationship.
One partner may have many questions and need reassurance, while the other may feel guilt, shame, frustration or uncertainty about what should happen next.
Therapy offers a place to look at what has happened without pretending that understanding something means approving of it.
We can explore what the breach of trust means for both of you, what was happening in the relationship and whether – and how – trust can be rebuilt.
Should we stay together or separate?
Not every couple comes to therapy knowing that they want to stay together.
Sometimes one or both partners are seriously questioning the relationship. One partner may want to continue while the other is unsure.
My role is not to convince you to stay together.
Therapy can help you understand what has happened between you, what still connects you and what each of you wants and needs. From there, you can make a more conscious decision about whether and how you want to continue.
Sometimes that means rebuilding the relationship. Sometimes it means deciding to separate.
Different relationships and different ways of relating
I work with different forms of relationships and with people of different genders and gender identities.
This includes monogamous couples as well as people in open or polyamorous relationships.
The form of your relationship is not something I decide for you. What matters is how the relationship works for the people involved: what agreements you make, how you deal with boundaries and autonomy, and whether there is enough room for trust, connection and individual needs.
Couples therapy in English in Utrecht
You don't need to speak Dutch to have couples therapy in my practice.
Sessions can take place entirely in English. This can be particularly useful when you are an international couple, when one of you does not speak Dutch, or simply when English is the language in which you communicate with each other.
Whatever your background, I will look together with you at the relationship you have, the patterns you have developed and what each of you can do to create movement where you currently feel stuck.
Would you like to find out whether couples therapy with me would be a good fit for you? Feel free to contact me.
Roeland van Peer
Couples therapist and systemic therapist
NVRG registered
